Priest (2011)


Director: Scott Charles Stewart

Writer: Cory Goodman

(Based on the graphic novel by Min-Woo Hyung’s )

So after shitting out Legion Director Scott Charles Stewart and the world’s biggest biblical kung fu action star Paul Bettany decided to have another go at it.  This time though instead of being a rogue angel disobeying God to fight to save the planet he is a rogue priest disobeying Christopher Plummer to save the planet.

Man and vampires have been at war since the dawn of time and we find this out through an animated prologue that shows all of the violence this PG-13 crap fest can’t deliver.  The movie takes place in a time where humans are not in dark and dingry walled in cities under the malevolent rule of The Church!  Cue cliche 1984/Blade Runner/Post Apocolyptic production design.  Priests are trained by the church, or born with powers, or something, the movie never really makes this clear, to fight and protect the human race.  After the supposed war with vampires ended the Priests disbanded and all they got were some lousy tattoos on their faces that for mystical reasons become smudged during battle and grow and shrink in length from scene to scene.  Perhaps this will be explained in the sequel?

Anyway the titular Priest (Bettany) sets out to save his niece who has been kidnapped by a pack of vampires led by Karl Urban’s character (Name?  IMDB says Black Hat.  No one says that in the movie) who used to be Priest’s partner until he was captured during the war.  We know this because we see it in flashback about four times during the 80 minute movie.  Christopher Plummer doesn’t like this and he tells the Priest the vampires are gone and if he leaves he will regret it.  Why Christopher Plummer (that is both the actor and characters name in the film by the way.  He is playing himself but a heightened version.  Think Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm) is mad about this or so bothered we never find out.  The cutting room floor was apparently very hungry for logic and story when this movie was being made.  Priest, fearing that if he obeys Plummer there won’t be a movie for the many fans of Legion to enjoy, instead teams up with his niece’s sheriff boyfriend Hicks and the two set off on a grand desert adventure!

Sometimes the vampires are monsters that grow in pods, sometimes they talk and walk and look like humans, and then Karl Urban says he is the first human vampire hybrid ever.  Sometimes the sun kills them and other times they ride dirtbikes out in the sunlight.  I don’t really know what any of this means.  At one point Priest and Priestess (Maggie Q) fight a really big monster vampire called a Hive Guardian.  What that is or how this creature came about doesn’t matter.  What does matter is Priestess throws rocks into the sky that Priest then uses as floating rock stairs to propel himself upwards to kill the Hive Guardian.  And all of this happens in glorious 2D as I prefer to save myself the $4.

The movie is a piece of shit and a total waste of time and money.  The debate between me and the four other people I went with about whether or not we should actually go and see this was longer than the actual movie.  Sometimes movies can work when cut to the bone with minimal story and maximum badassness (The Road Warrior anyone?) but this is certainly not the case.  But I can’t complain because by the time it had ended my migraine had gone for bad to worse.  Oh by the way the war isn’t over…it has just begun, a line that should end every movie Scott Charles Stewart directs.

About Jon Watches Movies

My name is Jon and I live in New Jersey. These are the movies I have watched since January 1, 2011.
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